sister gone and parents away....Ive been left alone before, but the sudden realisation that this is what adulthood had in store...i crumbled, sobbing by the computer at my empty home...not to mention terrified,yup definitely considering living in a shack(ONE ROOM THAT'S IT) that way i can see/hear/smell/touch everything, so instead of throwing a mad house party like any 18 would...i confined myself to locking myself up in my room with dogs,water, chocolate sauce and a collection of weapons ranging from knives,bug spray,dozens and dozens of pairs of scissors scattered under pillows,bed side table,shelf,in cupboard, and even stooping down to a squash racket and whistle...i had the bed,i had the computer,supplies were very good indeed!temperature could vary if i turned the fan on or pulled up the blankets...i was fine....remaining in MY room for a week,only leaving during the day when staff were about! stop thinking I'm a wussie....STOP...its perfectly normal for any child to over react...i had to fend for myself...against the perils of my own abode...there are freaky things out there you know, jeez my guard killed a snake just outside my front door,now imagine me wondering about, a definite or the slight possible target to a black as pitch ruthless reptile(i wont be taking any chances)...and the insects, as if the Pharaoh of my dwelling had disobeyed god and appearing by the hundreds a plague of crickets and beetles swarm about; chirping nonchalantly in hidden location(such as inside the shower drain,which surprisingly holds an echo threshold...aaaah the sound shall never be associated with tranquility AGAIN)....then the creaks and squeaks, bumps and grinds of the roof and walls....certainly playing tricks on me as i cower behind corners with a knife in a vice like grip...jumping out and wondering if the fiend is in fact behind me all along,like an evil clown goofing about before he strikes....it wasn't pleasant...no not at all!

but mommy and daddy came back...yay for me for they spoiled me because of my dreadful time....yes...i know...how manipulative...but grateful nonetheless for the thought they put into it,i got a lovely shirt, 2 pairs of trousers a very large pen with BEN10 on it(oh the primary kids at school will be so jealous) and this book called strange Emily or something....its a lovely dark kids book....i appreciate the thought my parents put into it very much!

otherwise got my ears pierced on the art trip i went on to Kenya...first time out of the country on my own...again another step into adulthood...its all dawning on me very quickly...being 18 now makes me wonder where my inner kid has gone...all my friends are younger(even if by 2 days-talking about you Inez)and the other day one of them(13)told me i sound like their mother now...what the hell...i haven't changed....grrr and if deema reads this....my hips do click and crack...but for goodness sack....yours do too....hahahahahahaha

right I'm off...reading a novel to help me study for English on tuesday!!!nervous...uh...yes...
but good options for uni in 2012....but that's for another time
xxx

I seem to like the night...daytime you’ll see me sleep in till afternoon (2-3 if I’m the given the chance) night time I’m wide eyed and bushy tailed, alert and performing my best, not to say I’m not functional during the day; just that come nightfall I seem to want to interact with my world a little bit more...sun can make me grumpy and hot weather makes my brain tick...ha here like a superhero I bare my kryptonite weaknesses, simple physical weaknesses, that can be played against me...icy chills is what I like, I enjoy the bite and prickle upon the skin and the white breath masking the face, the element of darkness is so alluring, it makes me tingle thinking about it, how hiding under the silver luminosity is ravishingly captivating, titillating upon the skin, the night spell used so that imagination isn’t wasted on spotting things spoilt and exposed by sunlight, exploited of its hidden talents, its inner beauty that can vary vast or be elfin in effect...even small difference won’t be noticed and what way to feel special right?

Night is precious because like Terry Pratchett’s character Mort (deaths apprentice) whose description during a moment of his life theories crusade...wondered why night had to be dark, that people couldn’t see anything at night and should need light, like in the day, but then that would defeat some point he thought (like he didn’t get why peoples teeth had to be white)...see night offers such rarity, of course it comes everyday (Serbia and what not excluded some parts of the year)but what can you really find in the obscurity of its unlit domain of each period of day, if you open your eyes wide enough, the sneaky, the creepy and the crawlies emerge and the silence can be watched. What seems distant fantasy is only the surreal mind frame, things only dreamed come to life in the grey light... colour is deafened and the dream like reality is pleasant and wanted more and more.

Night time is gorgeous for the twinkles of the sky and our orbiting moon rips through the purest of shadows, not in sudden open view but subtle and really quite gentle...I truly do love the night because I am comfortable with myself and my surroundings and can feel hidden at any given moment due the superb chance of darkness.


By Neil creek

Night Sky over the Church of the Good Shepherd . . .

This photo was taken the night before the panorama of the church you can see here on this site. The weather that day had been unseasonably windy, to the point that the waves on Lake Tekapo even had whitecaps. This near gale-force wind was coming right off the glaciers and cut right through you. It was into this weather that I ventured out in the pitch black night under the spectacular night sky to capture some photos of the Church of the Good Shepherd by starlight.

Rugged up, bare handed, with tripod and kit bag, I looked around for a good spot, and fought the howling winds. I don’t have a cable release and I quickly discovered that I needed more than the maximum 30 seconds shutter speed. I spent the next half hour sitting by the tripod as low as it would go for stability, finger holding down the shutter while I took shot after shot counting to 120 or 240 seconds, trying not to move during the exposure. For fear of getting more exposure than the sensor, I came inside after half an hour. I only got this one decent photo, but it was worth it. It was this experience that lead me to buy a wireless remote shutter release.

Horses- Edwin Muir

haha...funny!!!


The poem screams at me!!!
I love its vocab, its pace, its rhythm...when I think about doing a LAMDA exam...this is what I feel would make me pass with flying colours...
I want to be the horses, in fact the poem makes me believe it...
Their on going might and frightening hulk that makes us humans(powerful in comparison)miniature and feeble.
In a way it expresses how long suffering the horses are, working non stop leaving a 'furrow' behind as their tracks
without complaint, but still obvious to the eye, their body language baring anger. terrifying, but not acted upon, composure kept

here it is...
HORSES

Those lumbering horses in the steady plough,
On the bare field - I wonder why, just now,
They seemed terrible, so wild and strange,
Like magic power on the stony grange.

Perhaps some childish hour has come again,
When I watched fearful, through the blackening rain,
Their hooves like pistons in an ancient mill
Move up and down, yet seem as standing still.

Their conquering hooves which trod the stubble down
Were ritual that turned the field to brown,
And their great hulks were seraphim of gold,
Or mute ecstatic monsters on the mould.

And oh the rapture, when, one furrow done,
They marched broad-breasted to the sinking sun!
The light flowed off their bossy sides in flakes;
The furrows rolled behind like struggling snakes.

But when at dusk with the streaming nostrils home
They came, they seemed gigantic in the gloam,
And warm and glowing with mysterious fire
That lit their smouldering bodies in the mire.

Their eyes as brilliant and as wide as night
Gleamed with a cruel apocalyptic light.
Their manes the leaping ire of the wind
Lifted with rage invisible and blind.

Ah, now it fades! It fades! and I must pine
Again for that dread country crystalline,
Where the black field and the still-standing tree
Were bright and fearful presences to me.

my sister

I I love my sister....
but I just don't see my world without her...I kept her out for what seemed like eternity,which was such a shadowing time for me, because now it has dawned on me that my last year with her has been spoilt all because I let immaturity get in the way...I only have her for a short time now and I just cant make it count...
the other day my moms friends younger sister died: due to malaria...this lady was distraught because she did nothing...I mean there were so many opportunities to take care of her sister, bring her back to health,but all signs were ignored
and when my sister moves away...I wont even be able to protect her...believe me for years I thought I would never do that(that I would want to) but as Ive gotten older the fights I got into have made me realise that somehow piper came to my rescue...in her own dorky older sis way...my eyes have been opened, she would scream shout banter ignore glare...you name it...all to make me safe...and now I'm ever so grateful but.....
how could I EVER repay her(I mean for crying out loud she taught me about the light and heaven-weird lil story-she taught me how to swim,she taught me how to read and draw,she's been my dance partner when everyone is too scared to go onto the dancefloor besides us 2)....and gosh darn it feels like holding onto her only makes her smothered and pull away from me more!!!!I'M DOOMED



we have this sister book that she'll take away with her to Canada...it has lists on what to do up there,notes from me and notes from her...pictures of boys(a small dedication to vampires)...'lil cartoons...fun facts about each of us...but its not anywhere near finished and I feel as time runs out....so will moments to fill up the book with memories!!!!Its meant to keep her company up there in cold wintry midst of CANADA....gosh...I have to have a whole year without her...and if this realisation hasn't come too late I sit and remember what Ive done without her and most of it is pointless





pi...my miss pickada nose pal...my nerd...my boob pusher...and literal reader....my sweet kind,trusty,fabulously voluptuous girl... I love you so terribly much, you make up my stars and all my sky in my entire universe...you can be counted on and will always keep people in line...I swear it will drive us mad but we need the simple adoration from you to sustain our existence!!! you are my world Piper-Moore, my purpose and my best friend...I wish I could always be with you but I must let my majestic bird grow and fly...I will miss you but I know dam sure well that you will return home as you are just that sort of beautiful person.....
keep safe my dear wonderful girl...you will eclipse me for eternity...I shall love you forever(we are connected afterall my dear)....dream big and go far,I'm right behind you no matter what
xxx

If one demon of peril would suck the life from me,
And leave me on eternal earth amongst the dim dead and him.
I, a maiden in dire need of love, would accept my doom with arms opened in welcoming.

As he would pace over to my delicate body, he would bend my neck to the right and edge towards my pulsing jugular. His fangs would protrude out of his mouth and prick my skin. Blood scarlet of colour will ooze out, only to be indulged by his thirst.

The venom surging through me, thinning my blood as it moves en route for my pacing heart, only burns as he takes each mouthful.

I fear he will bleed me out, but his groaning – over the taste – pleasures me.

If he could not stop, I don’t think I would mind as much.

Dare to face the full moon
To smell the air
And sense a heat
That breath gently blowing cool
From the warmth of the heart
The scent a spell over hell man
Who thirsts for a kiss red.

my school photography course

this is my boy/cousin....the way I love him...wow this guy means the world to me and my friend jojo



project 3: zoomed in object, acia captured in the morning



pppssssh...some more zooming in



a bit of framing, according to the teacher, this would help us section our photos into thirds - craig doria
landscape and portrait...this is what i dunno



I'm honestly just checking out the hues




some contrast effects...so sky against green(purple popping in)



flash was on - learnt a very valuable lesson...I NEARLY GOT KILLED!!!



straight after that the tail lifted up and yucky stuff was produced



very close...was fab



project 4: zoomed out object



horses are VERY hard to capture...constantly moving...and im afraid I have no lens effect...stupid automatic digital camera...shame I do love my camera...
robert(named after my favourite actor at that time I got it)
david bailey(famous photographer)
ROBERT DAVID BAILEY...that was what my camera group was called...



fancy arrow just had an eye operation...hence the blue tassels keeping flies away and covering most sun



horsey's nose...this is fancy arrow-the first horse i ever rode in my own front yard...gosh



kitty was being evil that day...just after lunch,fiddled with the effects on my camera(yes at least that part is cool)



victor a friend of mine...lowering his head to the horses height...I feel extremely short...coz that horse is just shorter than my own head!!!

I caught you looking at me
While I rested my head and closed my eyes
I felt your gaze run along me, figuring out what to do next.
It intensified as you moved your hand up my back and into my hair.
I fell asleep then for the gentle massage soothed my countless days of thinking…


I wondered for a long time in my dreams, clinging to the back of a sauntering camel.
A day in and the day going out I felt the pull on me, trying to yank me back into the reality I was in. The dunes were countless, vermilion brown and beating heavily with heat. Camels walked on, into the nothing sand, but I stayed for there was no more strength to hold on. The desert evening freezes me into a stupor; within the surreal state I was already in. I clench myself into a fist like curl, falling into another dream:


Falling I was, down into the mist of the waterfall’s tumble. The exotic parrots swoop past me, wings splayed out and showing off the exuberant feathers, flashing against the whites of the waters descent. Hundreds come, none venture back, as the plummets trip goes on, doom bottomless and sending the sticky vapor to latch onto me, making me sopping wet so that tears and sweat can not be distinguished anymore. Down I go; down I go into another dream:


In space the sun looked at me, it ablaze and hungry for an energy that I was. It wanted me; it wanted me so badly that its fiery fingers reached out to me. I sat suspended in empty air, waiting, thinking yes, this is it. I felt the need of the pressing want and I wanted to indulge it. Alas as soon as the sun licked me he spat me out of grasp and moved away. I could not move, this was not my world. I tried to call out but how could sound be heard in space, a little sound like me? Holding my breath, hoping for it to end I blacked out – into another dream:


I stood in the forest, green existence all around me, with that musky smell and serrated edges. Life running by me, and I stood motionless, I was fearless and welcoming any approach. Yet all ran, I knew nothing and when the wolf stopped to stare I beckoned for him to come closer, a snarl met me and I stood down, it ran off with his female wolf. And I became a lonely deer. I felt the presence of hunters all wanting a piece of me, the prize of my skin and my meat to feed others.
I never wanted to be awake more, because my life flew past me, in such an instant that it was pain I felt to know that this was all it was – up till now.

Where I woke up and saw you…happy and looking down at me, you may not be comforting in the way I want. But you could be there nonetheless and that’s a need worth fulfilling. I step away now and into a new town – a new beginning. So come closer.

angles shadow

An angels shadow trickles down the sky’s wall
The angel unaware and standing tall
It falls out of the heavens, leaking light of discrepant colour
Doing his holy work without any repent dolour
For every evening his stars die
But he doesn’t question his god why
Instead he is given new infant luminosity
Joining his kindred star community
He must hold them and do this well
Or else the firmament will glow dull
The angel stresses and exerts endlessly
So he does not bother that the world can see
His exhaled breath a wind across the earth
As he delivers a new birth
The colours are of magical sweat
Shooting across the night like god’s leading jet
Aurora Borealis an angles shadow
A night dappled UFO
An angel, a phantom, a specter that shines
Ignorant of his presence, his precious loved outlines.

here's a 'lil poem I made while at the beach:

Crashing and Crushing
Salty and Sandy
Low or in its woe
In calm or becoming costly

Palm trees encroach the waveline
Sunsets end their shine
Seaweed meets beach and entwine
The wet is oh so fine
As the tide comes up then goes on a decline

I pick up a shell and the sea becomes mine.

I wrote this in anger...
I just want my voice heard.

You're a stuck up fuck up
Doesn't matter how you were brought up
There's one thing about you
And that is you cant shut up
So back up
Let me tell you what a mess up
You are!
When you fed up
You get caught up
There's no surprise
You're a screw up
No one will ever let up
So just get up
Maybe get a check up
'Coz right now you're a
Block up
In society's ass

I cant stand modesty yet vanity does not slip by me happily.
It's sickening to watch those prevail and ignore those who fail.
However it still infuriates me to see arrogance try help...what do you know of poverty,mentally ill,handicaps,warfare infliction...do not try to understand a life you do not live, but I am a hypocrite because I do not have any of this. Like I said we follow instinct, I see no humans here, it is a myth, a simple lie to cover up the dreadful truth:
We are not compassionate, no matter how emotional we get. Sure we'd do something for others, but then that comes with the expectation they'd do the same for us. Selfish acts if noticeable are therefore put in Coventry, mild silent ones that are twisted are regarded precious and happily rewarded. Still what hope do we have to find more than one saint every century, a god given prophet.
This ambiguous post just had to be said, such indignation I hold...enough to actually say this.
I hate this. There simple and sincere.
x

Back from the beach....ah the sun was great there, odd rains made me and my bud drag our tent across the beach(just in our shirts and underwear) and under the main banda(like a hut)we learnt then the importance of tent peg positioning....but that is another weird story in itself....it involves leaves, pee and a crab skeleton.

I loved the beach with my bud Jojo,made me realise how much I actually missed her, we caught up and shared new life experiences we had separated from one another...how special it was when she taught me how to use a womanly item...every evening she'd tell me a story, we'd listen to music...and every day we'd lie on the sand listening to music,studying,reading or going out passed the sea weed clutches for a swim...the rap I made sounded super when she added a beat to it.

Away from the camping it was time for star hotel care...fighting for blanket(because the electric fan actually made us cold at the humid beach) and flirting with boys - who dance extremely well to ANY kind of music and come up with the weirdest things to do...D.O.G I hope you not scarred by your experience on the beach....silly wife beater shirt boy....again, a whole other story...

When it came down to secrets, mine were so opposite of hers, she stressed she was acting too YOUNG for the likes of me where as I thought she was the one all grown up and me the stupid childish one. (ooh my mother just woke up...gotta hurry and pretend I'm sleeping on the couch...sorry that's another ambiguous anecdote again) but truth is, we're both older, but all the more juvenile...I don't watch cartoons too much anymore, neither does she, but its safe to say our crowds age limit has expanded to 4 or more years YOUNGER or OLDER than ours...

To conclude was the road back home, ah how I love her and her family, even her devilish kid sister(who we should of left in the boat when we ran off - as the realms of boys spitting,sun setting and sea weed moving in for complete domination scared the living daylights out of us, telling her to bring the boat back to shore because there was a shark in the water) was sort of sweet after she got us into trouble over 3 times....once over the 3 limit its considered EVIL....
Jojo and I went out, it was a strange reunion but I'm glad her eyes were open to my heart ache, but she made me stoop down low in myself, which can always provoke and therfore my revenge is sweet...the club sizzle was something....oh oh oh oh....
and now...I think I need to sleep again, because Tabea and Jojo kept me up for too long therefore my levels of REM sleep is on its all time low...mother thought it would be funny last night to take pictures of me with lip stick smeared all over my face, tooth paste oh my shirt and lets not forget my hair(yes exhaustion DID get in the way of me brushing my teeth)and to top it off........ a pacifier in my mouth....

Hope I made your day with my holiday fill in, of course some was left out, but only because that part is my sanity clearance into the crazy world, if you know what I mean?
x

Art, a creation of a piece of soul; released into the world…for a whole soul to admire, aspire to and inspire to.
Art, love expressed with words, paint, food, light or feelings…joy spreads from one to another through simple hearing, touch, taste, smell, sight or emotion.
Art, forgiven when truth is brutally blunt, hated when it hides the lies… capturing moments that remain memorable for eternity.
Art, a safe haven for those who know the inflexibility of life’s role of complexity…rescuing the lost and keeping the hurt until it protects the strong no more and blue cloudless skies hold control over hope and divinity.

IM DEEPER IN THAN I THOUGHT I WAS...
A BLOW TO MY HEART,
OVER IT IN A MINUTE
BUT THEN LATCHING BACK ON WITHIN A SECOND

YOU LOOK GOOD COMPARED TO ME...
I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN ME HURT
BUT COVERING IT THIS TIME
HAS TAKEN A TOLL ON ME!!

A PULL AWAY THIS TIME,
DRASTIC OR NOT,
IT MUST BE PREMANENT
...
I WANTED A HOLD ON YOU FOREVER,
WHAT I KNOW NOW IS THAT YOU
HOLD MY PRECIOUS GIFT
...
BUT THEN AGAIN SO DO I

what am I?

To explain my loneliness to you would be like trying to explain the birds and bees to a child uncorrupt.

I long for one will sire my evil, the one who’d capture my fluttering heart and contain it to a small inched box; only opening it to whom the capturer intended to show his prize to. In a way being isolated, controlled and classified goes against all my social means. However if I long for such a thing so cruel – should I be denied it?

Do you see the complicated script of my soul being played out for you? Of course you, let alone any other would not understand nor be able to translate it, as I am alone in my despair. My desperate need or more an urge to seek such a torture pleasured being

What am I?

a judgement

My life is a jumble, a strange one; it shouldn't’t be so hard for everyone to just get on with it. Like a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, don’t leave it unfinished, keep adding, keep adding, and keep adding.
I know I try, it’s tough to know who you are, but you don’t ignore a bad jigsaw piece with a clipped end or hide it under the carpet. Expression is sometimes the best way to actually remain inconspicuous. Living with it openly is the best way to overcome suffering. And so the puzzle slowly completes itself.

Today I was hurt, but it’s something I can always get over as time passes by… I want to get back at this hurt but I did that once before and hated it, regretted it, couldn't’t even control it…. …I knew it was wrong and I wonder why anger leads me to do such things. The ramification was terrible, I see now how it affects others; it’s definitely harder to get over it when you got the whole lot in on it.
If I try get back at it now I know it’ll hurt somebody else…but is my happiness conquering my own hurt what is the best for me? What the doctor ordered exactly?